It's Been A While

It’s been a while and I have chemo brain, so please forgive me for any repeated information.  For my friends and family that know me well and my sweet  children, know that I hate to repeat myself, one of the many attributes that I obtained from my dad, along with perfectionism!!  So, I think I will just write about something other than CANCER today, so that I don’t repeat myself and I have had enough of CANCER for today!  I will update my Cancer Journey at the end if you want to skip all the stuff in between. 

My heart hurts today because I have talked to a couple of people over the past few weeks that have told me how broke (not money broke), but broken as a person they feel.  What I have learned in my life is that we are all broken, every single one of us!  The neighbor next door that has everything…broken!  The person that just won the lottery…broken!  The pastors that lead our churches – broken!   There is not one single person on this earth that isn’t broken!  God wants us to be broken, because he wants us to want him, he wants us to turn to him first, he wants us to trust him so much that we never doubt him.  If we weren’t broken, would we have a need for a relationship with Him?  Your brokenness could come from addiction, anxiety, excessive worry, eating disorder, adultery, sexual addiction, codependency –knowing where one person’s needs ends and yours begin, fear, sexual abuse, etc.  I have experienced a lifetime of brokenness, sometimes by bad choices on my part, other times by circumstances beyond my control.  But through all of my brokenness, God has always been faithful to me and has showed me that he loves me just the way I am.  I wake up every day with new GRACE from Him, and knowing that he died on the cross for my sins.  Does this mean that I can just go out and sin everyday intentionally because I know he will forgive me….NO.  I believe that he wants us to live our life as pleasing to Him as possible, but he wants us to have a relationship with Him so that when we mess up and sin that we turn to Him and ask for FORGIVENESS.  He loves us just the way we are – flawed, blemished, broken – He loves us!!  If you are experiencing brokenness in your life right now, I encourage you to reach out to your close friends and ask for PRAYER, but reach to HIM also.  Open your Bible and just start reading….it is amazing how just reading the Bible can help us.

Genetics or learned genetics, I am not even sure anymore.  The longer that my dad has been gone, the more of his traits I see in me!  If I ever asked him a question twice, whether it was the same day or a year later, he would tell me that he had already given me the answer to that question or that I knew the answer and he didn’t need to answer that question for me.  You see in the end, I (along with the rest of my family) would answer the same questions over and over for my dad.  In a gentle and loving way, I would answer the same questions of Where Is Your Mama?  Where Is My 2 Million Dollar Lottery Ticket That Your Mama Lost?  When Can I Go Home?  and the list of questions could go on and on and there were times I answered those questions every  15 seconds, but through God’s grace I (my heart) didn’t once want to tell him that I had already answered that question for him or that he knew the answer and I didn’t need to answer that question for him. Only through God’s grace was a broken relationship that hurt to the deepest core of my being and one that I thought I would never walk out of with peace, could end with me forgiving, loving and caring for my father through the last 10 months of his life.  Never say never when it involves God!!  While my dad had a myriad of health problems (congestive heart failure, stage 3 kidney failure), his mind was still there until one day he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and that is when we saw a completely different side of my dad.  Alzheimer’s usually causes a patient to be agitated, aggressive, mad, etc., but I got to see my dad smile every time I visited, he talked and told us stories, like the first time it snowed and he took me out to see it.  This kind of brokenness can only be repaired through God’s restoration!

As I read articles or books, I like to write down things in a journal, that have touched my life or make me say Ah Ha or read it again and again and I want to share some of those with you. 

*My potential won’t be reached until I see Jesus face to face. *We are put on earth to prepare ourselves for eternity and to help other people do the same.  *Life isn’t easy, but the good news is that, even at its best, it can’t compare to how great heaven is going to be. *Stop questioning God and start trusting him.  *The only true security in this life comes from placing our trust in the God who loves us and is in complete control of our lives and our world. *You can drive yourself crazy with the “if onlys” and the “what ifs” questions, stop those questions and trust in him. *My relationship with God is far from perfect, but he is always there for me when I need him. *Taking responsibility for your life is not blaming other people. *If you are forming a thought when you are listening to someone you are no longer listening. *Is it true, accurate, necessary, kind, courteous, respectful and dignified? *You can’t forget something that you don’t forgive.  Unforgiveness turns to bitterness. *God can do anything that can be done. *God intends for us to live a life full of peace, confidence and assurance. *When all that matters to you is you then you are missing God.  *God brought us to this world as an original, don’t die being a copy.  *Don’t associate with gossip.  Pray for the person.  I would rather be the object of gossip than the origin of it. *Better to have walked through the fire than to have started it. *Circumstances in our life do not have to alter our faith. *We have no idea what good is going on in our lives because people have prayed for us.

CANCER JOURNEY UPDATE:
 

Making sure labs are good before chemo

               Getting ready for chemo

 

~Chemo Round #3 was on 2/5/14 and Chemo Round #4 (the last round of the “Red Devil”) was on 2/26/14.  Thank you to Tracy B. and Tracy F. for taking me and treating me to lunch after (I call my lunch on chemo days “my last meal”).  Tracy F. and I tried a new restaurant called Whiskey Cake.  It was awesome!  They have their own little herb garden and get their food from local farmers/places.  And the whiskey cake was to die for – it is served with homemade whipping cream (I could eat that stuff all by itself).  These last 2 treatments were brutal on me.  I ran a fever with round 3 and got dehydrated with round 4.

      Pink Drink from Whiskey Cake - Yum!! 

~I start my weekly Taxol treatments on 3/19/14 for 12 weeks.  This chemo is supposed to be milder, but my doctor says that the number one side effect is bone pain, which she said that since I already deal with chronic pain from arthritis that I will most likely experience this in a greater form.  Another side effect is losing your fingernails and toenails.  To help with this it was suggested to put ice on them while the chemo is being administered.  Thanks to Tracy F. for this info, because they had not shared this with me and we had to ask them about it.  I can’t imagine losing a nail.  That sounds very painful!

~My family and I continue to be blessed beyond comprehension.  There are no words adequate enough to express my thanks to each of you that have loved on us!  I know that each of you that have loved on us have made this journey easier for me and my family.  Thank you for your blessings!
~My sweet friend, Alexa B., who is 11, made me this hat in her Art class at Sloan Creek.  I love it.  It keeps my head so warm during the night.  Thank you Alexa!

 ~My sweet friend, Jana C., had my special verse embroidered on this blanket.  Love it!  Thank you Jana!

 

 

~I have decided to go to M.D. Anderson for a treatment plan. I think everything happened so fast that I didn’t think about going down there and God has opened some doors and my appointment is currently set for 4-4-14 at 7:30 a.m.  I want to hear what they have to say about the spot on my lung and colon area that showed up on the PET Scan.  Some special people are working to get me in sooner and I will wait patiently to see what God has planned.  They said that I could be there for 5-7 days for testing, etc.  Please pray that everything falls into place and works out (kid coverage, transportation, lodging, etc.) and that it doesn’t turn into a stressful situation but one of reassurance.

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.  Psalm 62:5

Gloria