It's Been A While

It’s been a while and I have chemo brain, so please forgive me for any repeated information.  For my friends and family that know me well and my sweet  children, know that I hate to repeat myself, one of the many attributes that I obtained from my dad, along with perfectionism!!  So, I think I will just write about something other than CANCER today, so that I don’t repeat myself and I have had enough of CANCER for today!  I will update my Cancer Journey at the end if you want to skip all the stuff in between. 

My heart hurts today because I have talked to a couple of people over the past few weeks that have told me how broke (not money broke), but broken as a person they feel.  What I have learned in my life is that we are all broken, every single one of us!  The neighbor next door that has everything…broken!  The person that just won the lottery…broken!  The pastors that lead our churches – broken!   There is not one single person on this earth that isn’t broken!  God wants us to be broken, because he wants us to want him, he wants us to turn to him first, he wants us to trust him so much that we never doubt him.  If we weren’t broken, would we have a need for a relationship with Him?  Your brokenness could come from addiction, anxiety, excessive worry, eating disorder, adultery, sexual addiction, codependency –knowing where one person’s needs ends and yours begin, fear, sexual abuse, etc.  I have experienced a lifetime of brokenness, sometimes by bad choices on my part, other times by circumstances beyond my control.  But through all of my brokenness, God has always been faithful to me and has showed me that he loves me just the way I am.  I wake up every day with new GRACE from Him, and knowing that he died on the cross for my sins.  Does this mean that I can just go out and sin everyday intentionally because I know he will forgive me….NO.  I believe that he wants us to live our life as pleasing to Him as possible, but he wants us to have a relationship with Him so that when we mess up and sin that we turn to Him and ask for FORGIVENESS.  He loves us just the way we are – flawed, blemished, broken – He loves us!!  If you are experiencing brokenness in your life right now, I encourage you to reach out to your close friends and ask for PRAYER, but reach to HIM also.  Open your Bible and just start reading….it is amazing how just reading the Bible can help us.

Genetics or learned genetics, I am not even sure anymore.  The longer that my dad has been gone, the more of his traits I see in me!  If I ever asked him a question twice, whether it was the same day or a year later, he would tell me that he had already given me the answer to that question or that I knew the answer and he didn’t need to answer that question for me.  You see in the end, I (along with the rest of my family) would answer the same questions over and over for my dad.  In a gentle and loving way, I would answer the same questions of Where Is Your Mama?  Where Is My 2 Million Dollar Lottery Ticket That Your Mama Lost?  When Can I Go Home?  and the list of questions could go on and on and there were times I answered those questions every  15 seconds, but through God’s grace I (my heart) didn’t once want to tell him that I had already answered that question for him or that he knew the answer and I didn’t need to answer that question for him. Only through God’s grace was a broken relationship that hurt to the deepest core of my being and one that I thought I would never walk out of with peace, could end with me forgiving, loving and caring for my father through the last 10 months of his life.  Never say never when it involves God!!  While my dad had a myriad of health problems (congestive heart failure, stage 3 kidney failure), his mind was still there until one day he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and that is when we saw a completely different side of my dad.  Alzheimer’s usually causes a patient to be agitated, aggressive, mad, etc., but I got to see my dad smile every time I visited, he talked and told us stories, like the first time it snowed and he took me out to see it.  This kind of brokenness can only be repaired through God’s restoration!

As I read articles or books, I like to write down things in a journal, that have touched my life or make me say Ah Ha or read it again and again and I want to share some of those with you. 

*My potential won’t be reached until I see Jesus face to face. *We are put on earth to prepare ourselves for eternity and to help other people do the same.  *Life isn’t easy, but the good news is that, even at its best, it can’t compare to how great heaven is going to be. *Stop questioning God and start trusting him.  *The only true security in this life comes from placing our trust in the God who loves us and is in complete control of our lives and our world. *You can drive yourself crazy with the “if onlys” and the “what ifs” questions, stop those questions and trust in him. *My relationship with God is far from perfect, but he is always there for me when I need him. *Taking responsibility for your life is not blaming other people. *If you are forming a thought when you are listening to someone you are no longer listening. *Is it true, accurate, necessary, kind, courteous, respectful and dignified? *You can’t forget something that you don’t forgive.  Unforgiveness turns to bitterness. *God can do anything that can be done. *God intends for us to live a life full of peace, confidence and assurance. *When all that matters to you is you then you are missing God.  *God brought us to this world as an original, don’t die being a copy.  *Don’t associate with gossip.  Pray for the person.  I would rather be the object of gossip than the origin of it. *Better to have walked through the fire than to have started it. *Circumstances in our life do not have to alter our faith. *We have no idea what good is going on in our lives because people have prayed for us.

CANCER JOURNEY UPDATE:
 

Making sure labs are good before chemo

               Getting ready for chemo

 

~Chemo Round #3 was on 2/5/14 and Chemo Round #4 (the last round of the “Red Devil”) was on 2/26/14.  Thank you to Tracy B. and Tracy F. for taking me and treating me to lunch after (I call my lunch on chemo days “my last meal”).  Tracy F. and I tried a new restaurant called Whiskey Cake.  It was awesome!  They have their own little herb garden and get their food from local farmers/places.  And the whiskey cake was to die for – it is served with homemade whipping cream (I could eat that stuff all by itself).  These last 2 treatments were brutal on me.  I ran a fever with round 3 and got dehydrated with round 4.

      Pink Drink from Whiskey Cake - Yum!! 

~I start my weekly Taxol treatments on 3/19/14 for 12 weeks.  This chemo is supposed to be milder, but my doctor says that the number one side effect is bone pain, which she said that since I already deal with chronic pain from arthritis that I will most likely experience this in a greater form.  Another side effect is losing your fingernails and toenails.  To help with this it was suggested to put ice on them while the chemo is being administered.  Thanks to Tracy F. for this info, because they had not shared this with me and we had to ask them about it.  I can’t imagine losing a nail.  That sounds very painful!

~My family and I continue to be blessed beyond comprehension.  There are no words adequate enough to express my thanks to each of you that have loved on us!  I know that each of you that have loved on us have made this journey easier for me and my family.  Thank you for your blessings!
~My sweet friend, Alexa B., who is 11, made me this hat in her Art class at Sloan Creek.  I love it.  It keeps my head so warm during the night.  Thank you Alexa!

 ~My sweet friend, Jana C., had my special verse embroidered on this blanket.  Love it!  Thank you Jana!

 

 

~I have decided to go to M.D. Anderson for a treatment plan. I think everything happened so fast that I didn’t think about going down there and God has opened some doors and my appointment is currently set for 4-4-14 at 7:30 a.m.  I want to hear what they have to say about the spot on my lung and colon area that showed up on the PET Scan.  Some special people are working to get me in sooner and I will wait patiently to see what God has planned.  They said that I could be there for 5-7 days for testing, etc.  Please pray that everything falls into place and works out (kid coverage, transportation, lodging, etc.) and that it doesn’t turn into a stressful situation but one of reassurance.

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.  Psalm 62:5

Gloria

 

Chemo Round #2 and Wigs

I had my 2nd chemo treatment last Wednesday (1/15/14).  My mom took me and as I walked into the chemo room to find a chair (there were only 2 empty - that is scary) my sweet friend, Tracy B. was waiting on me.  She brought me some magazines and a gallon of diet lemonade from Chick-Fil-A.  While I must say, I don't think I will ever be ready to receive chemo, it does make it easier and faster to receive the poison that is dripping through my body, when I have someone there to talk to.  I think I did most of the talking, with Tracy and mom just listening.  We did notice several patients drinking lemonade....I thought that was my own personal "after" chemo drink....must be the tartness (fyi - it was not my go to drink this chemo round...just didn't taste good)!!  Me and mom stopped on our way home to try on some wigs, I took some pictures so you can see.  My kids and husband don't like any of them and I am not 100% sure I even want a wig.  As I told my friend today, it really doesn't bother me unless I look at myself in the mirror...then I see a cancer patient and feel like I should be on one of those cancer commercials!  What do you think?

 

I got home and had a sweet surprise on my porch from another dear friend, Tracy F. and then another dear friend, Joy O. brought us enchiladas and sopapilla cake...yum! 

So my recovery after this round of chemo has been much harder than my 1st round.  My white blood cell count was at 1.8 on Wednesday (1/22) and so I have to be careful not to be around anyone that is sick.  I am extremely tired, so nauseous that the 4 drugs they gave me don't even help, hungry but don't know what I want to eat (so I drink a DQ Vanilla shake) and my lower back hurts like never before (that is where your bone marrow is produced, so hopefully it means that my white blood cell count is on it's way up).  One of the chemo drugs that I am getting right now is referred to as "the red devil" and that is the drug that kicks my butt and makes me so sick.  I can literally feel it affecting my brain as it is going into my body....a horrible feeling!

Wednesday (1/22/14) was Chuck's birthday and another sweet friend, Stacy M., treated us to Cotton Patch.  It was yummy!  This was also a very emotional day for me, I cried the majority of the day starting when I walked into the doctor's office.  You see, the sweet girl that works the front desk wasn't there when I went for my chemo treatment on the 15th or when I went for my Neulasta shot on the 16th.  I was told she was out sick.  When I went in on the 22nd for lab work and a visit with my oncologist, she was still not there and the magazine that told her story of surviving Stage 4 ovarian cancer was gone.  I asked where she was and was told that she had passed away.  I hope that would affect anyone, but as a cancer patient it affected me profoundly because it really makes you stop and think about every worse case scenario.  This girl always had a smile on her face and was so proud to talk about being in remission for the last year and that her scans were all clear in November.  She had developed leukemia from the chemo she received.  She found out on Monday (1/13) that she had leukemia and passed away on Friday (1/17).  I was so sad all day and just can't stop thinking about her, but God is so good and while I flipped through some old papers last night, I found something that I had ran across about 18 months ago on the internet and knew that I still had that paper for a reason.  So, I read it and am hoping and praying that I will not waste my cancer!  You can read it here http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/dont-waste-your-cancer.  I am going to keep this paper close to me and read it often, along with my bible verses from other dear friends, Barrie H. and Helen F.

Prayers needed for my energy, pain, white blood cell count to go up, for me to glorify God through my journey and not waste my cancer, and for my kids, husband and mom to be okay through my journey.

A huge thank you from the bottom of my heart to each person that has reached out and loved and supported me and my family in some way throughout my journey.  I am so thankful for every meal, card, prayer, gift, ride, gift card, phone call, text, and head shaved.  I am even grateful for those people that hold the door open for me because I am bald and you feel sorry for me.  As my friend Kim T. would say I'm joking, but I'm really not joking! Without each of you and your prayers and our great God above, I am not sure how I would get through this journey!

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. Psalm 62:5

Gloria

 

 

Quick but Long Update!

Quick but Long Update!

It seems like between tests and surgeries and my first chemo treatment and the holidays that I just haven’t had time to collect my thoughts and put them in writing.  So, sorry for how long this post is!

I had my port placed on December 13^th.  This was done by an interventional radiologist.  While the procedure was fairly simple, they did put me to sleep.  I am still getting used to the port.  It is a little freaky to have this thing in my chest and it itches and I can’t really scratch it. 

Then on December 16^th, I had my P.E.T. scan.  They accessed my port for the first time and it hurt like crazy!  Then I had to drink this very nasty stuff that made me very sick to my stomach.  I received the results on December 18^th and there are a couple of places that they could not rule out malignancy on, so I will have to have more testing or a repeat scan after all of my chemo.  I also received the results of the MammaPrint test and it came back as High Risk of the cancer spreading or returning, so the original thought would be that I would have 4 or 8 chemo treatments, changed to 16 rounds of chemo followed by 36 rounds of radiation.  God already knew this, so no matter how much planning I had already done in my head and on the calendar, he had other plans.  I am not sure when I will learn to stop planning really anything in my life, because truthfully anything can happen if God has other plans for me!

We missed celebrating Christmas with my family on Christmas day because my sister, niece and 2 nephews had the flu.  So we just had Christmas Saturday night (Jan. 11^th) with my family and followed it by celebrating my sisters 50^th birthday!  We did get to celebrate with Chuck’s family on Christmas day at our house.  It was nice to just have a relaxing day and not have to travel anywhere.  The best part was I didn’t have to cook one thing; everyone that came brought the food and then cleaned up afterwards! 

My first chemo treatment was December 26^th.  I was definitely nervous but knew that I wanted to get started on my treatment so I can be done with it.  Chuck took me to my first treatment and he can fall asleep anywhere!  I wished I had that ability!  My treatment lasted about 4 hours and for the most part I felt okay during it all.  I have to put a patch on 24 hours before chemo to help with the nausea.  So I did pretty well for the next 2 days.  I have to go in the day after chemo to get a shot of Neulasta, which helps build my white blood cells back up.  Sunday (the 29^th) I slept most of the day.  Monday (the 30^th) was the one year anniversary of my dad passing away, so mom came and spent the day with me and the kids and we took cookies to the nurses that took care of him in ICU and went to the cemetery.  I miss him so much and can’t believe that it has been a year since he went to Heaven.  Tuesday and Wednesday (the 31^st and 1^st) were pretty good days, I got some things done around the house.  The main thing I noticed was nothing sounded good or tasted good to eat and I was very tired.  On Thursday (the 2^nd) was my day to go back to the doctor for lab work and doctor visit.  I knew that I was not feeling well at all and just thought I had overdone it the day before.  However, my white blood cell count was at .8, which normal is around 11 for me.  I also had a fever.  The doctor sent me home on antibiotics to try to protect me from getting an infection and told me to avoid being around people.  I was also told that I would have to be admitted to the hospital if my fever got to 101.  I went home and sent out a text to my Prayer Warriors asking for prayer that my fever would not reach 101.  It got to 100.7 but when I woke up on Friday morning (the 3^rd) my fever was below normal!  Praise the Lord!!  I still did not feel well on Friday so I mostly stayed in bed.  I felt better on Saturday (the 4^th) and much better on Sunday (the 5^th). 

This past week (January 6^th-10^th) I worked each day and felt pretty good all week.  On Tuesday (the 7^th) my hair started to fall out.  I wept over this.  I think so much of a woman’s identity is in their hair and we are used to seeing men bald, but when you see a woman bald, you know they are sick.  On Wednesday (the 8^th) I became bald!  I lost 10 times the amount of hair this morning than I did yesterday, so it was time to shave my head.  I texted my hair girl and she said she would come over at 4 to do the shaving, so I texted a couple of my close friends and told them to come at 4 if they wanted.  So, at about 4:15 my hair girl was not here so I called her and she had forgotten!! Crazy I know, but as I said earlier, don’t make plans, because God has other plans.  So we all jumped in the car and went up the road and walked into a Hair Solutions and I said I needed my head shaved and the girl said, “really” and I said, “yes really, I have cancer and my hair is falling out”.  We had to wait for about 10 minutes and as one of the men that was getting his hair cut went to leave he said, “so you are getting your head shaved”, I said “yes, I have breast cancer”. He went on to tell us that his wife did the same thing last year around this time because she had Stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her bones and liver.  She just had a scan that was completely clean and she was in remission.  I call that man an Angel that God sent to send me a message that no matter how much I dread the road ahead of me, I can do it!  When I was running a fever,  I told a friend that I was done and didn’t want to fight this battle, she told me that she didn’t see me as a quitter but as a Nike girl – a girl that “Just Does It”!  That has given me strength and confidence that I can do all things with God’s help and the love and support and prayers from my friends and family.  Another Angel that God sent this day was the girl that shaved my head.  Sophie was amazing and showed me true empathy.  She wept when she shaved my head!  What a blessing!  You can watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxIWyZjN2NpsPWAt3wAjPfg/videos

Me and Paris and Alex

Me and Mom

 

My besties - Kim and Jana

 

My next chemo treatment is this Wednesday (the 15^th).  While I am not looking forward to being sick again for the 7-10 days afterwards, I want to keep on keeping on!!

I am so very thankful to my friends and family for the amazing support you have given to me.  You each know who you are and I honestly could not get through this without you and your prayers, love and support.  You have blessed me and my family beyond what words can describe and I am forever grateful for your love and support.  

I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. Psalm 62:5

Gloria